I've had a really hard time sleeping lately. It's currently 5:00 AM. I listen to the soft snores of someone I love, and I wonder why it doesn't bring me much comfort.
Joni Mitchell sings River softly in the background, and my eyes burn. It sounds like a Christmas song, and it probably is. I blink the dryness away.
She's removing her music from the streaming service spotify for some social cause. I don't really know the details, but I think it's funny how one person thinks their presence would be such a horrible subtraction from the world. I wish I had such an inflated sense of self worth...but, then again, I sort of do. Who sits there and types out a blog post and isn't even just a tad bit narcissistic?
I blink again and wonder why the fuck these are the thoughts that keep me up at night. Why the hell don't I learn something new? Write out a schedule? Read a new book?
Either way, I end up in the same sleepless spot every night. It doesn't matter what time I wake up in the morning. It doesn't seem to matter what time I "force" myself to go to bed, either. I have a brain that is seemingly empty - yet full. It's cluttered - yet uneventful. Kind of like a hoarder house. Ugh.
Speaking of hoarder houses, I dealt with a mental illness problem manifested physical today. I hadn't brushed my hair in days due to a depressive episode, and ended up with a large matted tangle on the back of my head. I had never dealt with a problem this bad as a result of depression. It was certainly a shock once I took my hair down.
With hard work and determination, one can do whatever they set their mind to. Oh - and a lot of pain. Immense amounts of pain. I did eventually get the knot out with the help of some conditioner and patience.
It taught me that no matter how shitty you feel, you need to get up and take care of your obligations. No one will come to save you. Your problems don't magically disappear, either. They stay tangled up, painful, becoming unmanageable. At some point you may just never untangle that problem.
Don't skimp on sleep, don't skimp on food, don't skimp on taking care of your hair. Or anything else, really.
Goodnight I guess.